gays [good enough] to adopt?

There’s a mighty big uproar happening out in Arizona over the legitimacy of same-sex parenting. Alright, I may be exaggerating, but it seems as if parenting — just like marriage — may be just one more of society’s failures some straights are unwilling to give up. I say, when someone throws you a life raft, you take it. Keep reading.

I just came back from a weekend in DC. Fireworks were good (they’re always too short and the crowds just get bigger) and it was nice to see family. My nephew Cameron is getting bigger and he’s talking a lot more. His personality is really coming alive. Since he was born in 2003, on occasion I’ve wondered what it would be like to have my own kid. Although I can’t see that happening anytime soon, I may eventually be interested in extending my family and providing for another. But if this “what-if” became reality, how would I do it? Surrogate mother? Artificial insemination of a friend? As it turns out, after careful consideration I am more fond of the adoption route.

Which leads me to consider the horrors of the foster care system, especially for LGBT youth. Foster care can be especially traumatizing for them. Think about all of the times you hear parents say they’ve accepted their child (or have “no choice” but to accept them) because they are “flesh and blood.” No doubt, there is a special connection (and consideration) that comes along when blood becomes the determining factor. But what happens to  a child who doesn’t have that edge? To the child who doesn’t have the benefit of the unconditional love that comes from most flesh-and-blood parents?

While this is a mere margin of what parentless children (gay or straight) face, it’s important to consider a prospective parent’s ability to cope with the unknown. I’m sure that in the realm of parenting, nothing is worse than a “curve ball” — something your child does or says or thinks that isn’t quite your idea of what “normal” should be. How many of us go into casual situations with expectations that influence our choices and attitudes? Is parenting exempt? Probably not. So it’s safe to say we take our biases and prejudices there as well. But until I decide whether or not to raise children of my own, the only truth I have to go by is that many couples decide for one reason or another, after having children, to drop their responsibilities and feed their flesh and blood to the wolves. Is child-rearing a privilege to be legislated in favor of different-sex couples? Can same-sex couples, if given the chance, do a better job at raising kids? Those are the questions that dominate this latest controversy in Arizona.

On July 1, the Arizona Daily Star ran an AP piece on a NY same-sex couple who was barred from posting an adoption profile on an Arizona-based website. Even though Rosario Gennaro and Alexander Gardner were certified by a court as qualified adoptive parents, they weren’t allowed to use the service because, according to ParentProfiles.com — a service of Adoption Profiles, LLC — applicants were required to be “husband and wife.”

Meanwhile, Lambda Legal filed a discrimination complaint with the New York attorney general’s office on behalf of the couple. According to the Lambda Legal website, “Adoption Profiles was sued in California in 2004 for violating that state’s antidiscrimination law and, as a result, is no longer doing business there. Now it may need to pull its business from New York State as well.”

The comments that follow the Arizona Daily Star article represent the sense of trepidation some heterosexuals have when it comes to allowing same-sex couples to parent children. So I picked out the few I thought were worthy of correction and responded accordingly. Here are a couple of those followed by my (”C.D. Informed74″) replies:

35. Comment by I V. (TypicalBitterWhitePerson)–July 1,2008 @ 6:10PM

Plain and simple, it boils down to this: ‘We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.’ That is the policy of nearly every business in this country. e-harmony won’t allow me to create a profile because I am divorced. I’m not going to sue or even complain about it. I just won’t use their service. That’s the beauty of America. Freedom to choose where you do business. Don’t fuss and gripe. Just keep looking till you find an agency that will work with you.

40. Comment by Sharon H. (sharon455)–July 1,2008 @ 10:31PM

oh waaaaahh!! some mean company wouldn’t let me post my profile! I refuse to use on the 1000 other agencies available to me. I demand that THIS company bow to my demands! I think I’ll tell the press so they can blow things out of proportion and I can slip in under the requirements just so they can make this all go away. Oh, Boo Hoo, poor me. I’m single and I can’t use many agencies to adopt. Maybe I should find a soapbox to whine from too.

MY REPLY: 41. Comment by C D. (informed74)–July 2, 2008 @ 9:38AM

To Sharon H (#40) and I V (#35): It is important in the private sector that discrimination be checked and dealt with. The Arizona-based adoption company need not change its practices. But if a state has a non-discrimination policy and the company still chooses to discriminate (for whatever reason), that state has the right to prevent that company from doing business there. Taht’s what this is all about. If you feel you are being treated unfairly (which it sounds like you do), then get some balls (both of you) and make your case. Otherwise, shut up.

Then, there was this:

7. Comment by Suzanne L. (SuzCorner)–July 1,2008 @ 1:33PM

The same thing that is wrong with single-parent adoptions is what is wrong with gay adoptions. Wy should the agency PLAN on putting a child into a motherless or fatherless situation? Children need both male and female parents. They should not be somebody’s poster child for a politically correct world. Sure sometimes life dishes crumbs, but there’s no reason to deliberately feed crumbs to a child, by deliberately making him motherless or fatherless.

36. Comment by Mary B. (maximaxine)–July 1,2008 @ 6:28PM

I agree with Suzanne 100%! Homosexual couples might be loving care-givers, but the most ideal situation is for children to have both a male and female parent.

MY REPLY: 41. Comment by C D. (informed74)–July 2,2008 @ 9:53AM

To Mary B. (#36) and Suzanne (#7): I’d like to learn about your family histories and upbringing. That might shed some light on your gravitation to antiquated ideals. Having a male body and a female body present in a household, in itself, is simply not enough. Mothers and fathers are not the only role models. The functional “family” is evolving; from extended nuclei to surrogate educators and nurturers. Homosexuals did not start this trend. We are only adapting to the world around us. The important thing for any parent is to give their child guidance and support and the necessary tools (in and outside the family) to maximize that child’s potential, to teach him or her to give back to society, and the educate and protect others. If those are things your parents gave you, then I applaud your efforts (you’re still wrong). But if your intent is to make the world an “ideal” place, stop now. And allow yourself to evolve.

All 43 comments can be viewed following the Arizona Daily Star article, although you may need to register a free account with the website to get access.

Want to say something? Leave a comment!

“Straight Acting” review. again.

A reader contacted me today after having difficulty locating an Edge review of mine from March. She was looking over a follow-up post concerning my review of a book entitled Straight Acting, after being approached by a friend on the issue of her gay friend who loathes himself because he’s super feminine.

So I did some digging and, after not being able to locate the review either, I decided to post it here for her. Gender identity seems to be the hot topic right now; from transgender workplace discrimination issues to Barbara Walters specials on how families cope with their trans-minded children at alarmingly young ages, to men who were once women having babies, it’s tough to know for sure what notion will be left standing once the music stops. It’s one thing to be born in the wrong body. But how does identity become such an issue if the individual feels right at home with his or her biological gender?

THIS ADDED 07/03 3:19PM EST: After seeing a considerable amount of traffic from and to trans sites, I thought it might be helpful to say that this review/discussion is not specifically geared toward trans issues, but gender issues, which I feel encompass a great deal of topics within the LGBT community. It’s important that educators convey the correct message here, regarding gender expression.

For gay men, saying “to be masculine is wrong” and “embrace your feminine side” are not enough. The idea is to love and respect who you are, whether you are gay or straight. It’s important to lose the fear of embracing diversity (no matter how different someone appears to be). The tragedy of Lawrence King is a clear illustration of how ignorance can easily lead to death. But the last thing we need is for self-respecting gay men who positively identify as masculine to experience reverse discrimination for the sake of wanting to right a wrong. If you are masculine, be masculine. If you are feminine, be feminine. If you are a mixture of both, be both. Do what feels right. Let (gay or straight) society get over it.

So in the meantime TRS, here’s my review of Angelo Pezzote’s Straight Acting:

There’s no question that what Angelo Pezzote says is rooted in a genuine desire to help homosexuals everywhere find love and acceptance, all the while dodging the depression and insecurity that stem from inevitable dystopian social pressures. But by the second chapter of Straight Acting, a seasoned reader might go so far as to say that certain passages seem trite, even condescending.

For instance, the metaphors: he states that “as gay men, we can use our fortitude resourcefulness and determination as a super glue that sticks us together, rather than treating each other badly, which is a bomb that blows us apart,” and asks us on the book’s back cover if we’re “fed up with the fact that men have a shorter shelf life than sushi.” He speaks of the “sly Gay Shame Monster” that creeps up, and in one ridiculous passage tries to make us feel better by citing a long term relationship between two male flamingos in England. Granted, in casual conversation one might often indulge by giving examples of how homosexual behavior exists in the animal kingdom, but examples like this don’t belong in a book that claims to be one step ahead of the “I wonder if it’s ok to be gay?” argument.

But beyond the nursery rhymes and tired anecdotes lives a somewhat major inconsistency.

On the one hand, Pezzote makes the point that “sex, gender identity, gender expression and sexual orientation are separate,” reminding us that “having same-sex fantasies doesn’t mean you’re gay,” I tend to agree, as do many experts in the field (enter the Kinsey Scale). yet on the other hand he suggests that men who put out sex ads for other men are gay, “even if it’s just a little,” simply because they might lust for other men. What makes this difficult to comprehend, especially for the lay reader approaching the subject from a fresh vantage point, is the fact that labels are being interchanged like outfits before a dinner party; trying them on for size, so to speak, is something you do before you write the book. In other words, it’s not advisable for an author to interject hypothetical (and personal, perhaps) notions of sexuality when it’s that author’s job to present the facts. What if my fantasy is to put out a man-for-man sex ad but not actually have the sex? Does that make me gay? Or just “curious”? What if I lust for a woman I see dancing in a burlesque show? Does that make me straight? And so on…

On a positive note, Pezzote’s point that the overbearing and contrived masculinity of some gay men that comes from self-loathing or insecurity can be self-destructive and hurtful towards others is well taken. However, what Straight Acting lacks is a clear thesis; we’re left guessing who exactly the target audience is. Take the fact that not all masculine gay men act the way they do out of fear or a need to overcompensate. To hypothesize so would be to contradict the book’s major claims, indeed the cornerstones of Pezzote’s research and practice.

It seems as if most of Straight Acting, and perhaps the bulk of Pezzote’s columns, are geared toward the self-loathing homosexual; the effeminate-at-heart who destructively seeks to be masculine and the effeminate gay man who feels inferior or ugly because of his flamboyant tendencies. Yet, he preaches to a wide audience and in doing so, threatens to flip the prejudice on those gays who in fact positively identify as masculine. After all, being masculine is not any more wrong or misplaced for a gay male than is being effeminate, regardless of the current patriarchal societal trend, a viewpoint blurred as he suggests to “lower our shields of masculinity.”

On the flip side, in what is perhaps the most cohesive section of the book, Pezzote returns to his roots (or at least what appears to be his strongest suit), as an advice columnist by providing several lists designed to help us find true love, engage in safe sex, spot a player, and retain one’s love once he’s found him. In addition, he includes many real life responses to questions he’s been asked that pertain to the subject at hand.

When it all boils down, Angelo Pezzote may not read like Shakespeare, but he does have the credentials necessary to communicate with his target audience. What puts this selection in self-help limbo is the fact that it reads like one long disoriented column piece, and in doing so, loses us before we’re interested in getting to the meat of the matter.

Questions? Get in touch!

a sort of [peeved]

The following is in response to the June 30 Huffington Post article by Joan Z. Shore, “Gay Day or May Day.”

Dear Ms. Shore,

Yesterday you posted what amounts to probably the most impulsive, flaky, privileged-sounding article I’ve read in weeks. About how gay people are too loud during Paris Pride. I’m actually quite surprised the Huffington Post entertained what amounts to the equivalent of those really cheap bic pens they sell at the five and dime — you know, the ones that write about one sentence before they bleed all over the place. Anyway, I’m not opposed to reading what “the other side” has to say about our crazy, abominable gay “lifestyle.” In fact, I spend a good part of my week reading various excerpts from the anti-gay industry: stuff that will either make you swell up with tears and splash to the ground, or cause you to do real damage, like pick up the nearest blunt object and destroy some sheet roc, or a glass window or something insane like that.

Truth is, your little “memoir” of an article doesn’t even make me angry. Not annoyed either. Just a sort of peeved. Peeved that there are hacks of society like you who mire in the big lie that is their “intellectual” life, writing as much sh*t that will spill onto an 5 x 7 piece of paper, vomiting the rest out at some conservative circle jerk dinner party in a boring part of town — you know, where the air is so thick with useless ideology that any creative impulse that crops up in your brain is liable to jump out one ear and slap you upside your head for even thinking about it.

So while you are wondering miserably, as you pop another aspirin, why it never rains on the Paris Pride parade, I’m wondering why you don’t spend more time reading Valerie Solanas’ SCUM Manifesto and less time bitching to readers who just don’t give a damn about whether or not “the decibels could shatter your eardrums.” Frankly, I’m shattered that someone picked up (graciously, no doubt) by the Huffington Post, a woman who has more likely than not, experienced sexism in her lifetime, would really feel inconvenienced by a party that strolls through her neighborhood once a year, banging a drum, wearing ass-less chaps. Obviously you’ve never been to Mardi Gras. Or the Love Parade. Who f#cking cares about your comfort, Ms. Shore? Do you honestly think that 39 post-Stonewall years of discrimination and hatred and dehumanizing, from Brandon Teena to Matthew Shepard to countless others who have suffered and died at the hands of such ignorance and fear, really need your permission to celebrate?

You write, “Before you label me as homophobic, let me assure you that some of my Best Friends, and people I’ve worked with, are lesbian or gay.” Are you serious? You read like some second-rate SNL skit gone bad. Mad Libs. Fill-in-the-blanks, what have you. I’m sure you have black friends, too. Just so long as they don’t play the hip-hop too loud, eh? Is there any sentient life at all behind those cold glass eyes, Ms. Shore? Do I sound angry? Not even close. I’m not even annoyed. Just a sort of peeved.

Seventeen years of being gay and out of the closet will teach you how to pass off curt remarks. You’ll learn how to dodge spit, too. And looks of pure hatred coming from strangers. And remarks from family members and “friends” about how “sissy faggots don’t deserve to live,” and how “someone should round them all up on an island and shoot them because they f#ck each other in the ass.” No biggie. Deal with it.

You say you believe that “however you can be happy — without harming others — go for it,” but wonder if you need to flaunt it. I say, if you’re really going to live and let live, just shut your mouth and give the gays their one day to be happy amidst the madness that is the ever-controlled world of patriarchal-enshrouded legacy, their one day to feel safe amidst those who would invite them into their homes and shops and lives, rob them blind, then stick a knife in their backs and shove them out the door because they’ve served their purpose: to spend money (because, you see, we are also blamed for having more expendable income because the government hasn’t as yet woken up and allowed us our own families, so we can too be sucked into baby-debt with the rest of straight humanity. Homophobic, Ms. Shore? No, you’re not homophobic. Just misinformed.

You write that “the irony of the gay rights movement is that on the one hand, it demands that sexual differences be seen and accepted and legislated as normal, but on the other hand it portrays these variations in an exaggerated, ostentatious and ‘un-normal’ way. It’s self-contradictory.”

But can’t you see? That’s why the gays exaggerate. Because they want to piss you off. Because they want to subject you to one minuscule sliver of discomfort they’ve had to feel their entire lives, simply because people like you can’t understand the concept of difference. You have a bee in your bonnet, Ms. Shore. And perhaps your biggest pearl of wisdom (size queens, take note):

“It is also a form of propaganda, or proselytizing, which I find unreasonable. People in conventional male-female relationships are not parading their lifestyle. And yet, perhaps they should! They are a singularly silent majority who are losing some of the best words in the English language: gay, queer, pink, rainbow.”

Last time I checked, a good number of “people in conventional male-female relationships” were quite comfortable (and safe) using the word “gay”: to describe something that is stupid, or dumb, or unworthy of introspection, or undesirable. Quite comfortable using the word “queer”: right before they bash some fem’s face in, sending him to the hospital because he made the terrible mistake of showing his partner how much he loved him, with a kiss. Quite comfortable using the word “rainbow,” you know, “taste the rainbow?” Haven’t you ever heard of f#cking skittles?

Your May Day is everyday, JZS. Because you’re a woman living in a man’s world. And don’t forget it. Because even though you work just as hard as any man but make half as much as he does, and menstruate gallons each year for him, and raise his children, and remain subjected to his sexist remarks and suffocating ideals, you’re still just a woman living in a man’s world. Don’t waste your breath. You’re not raining on our parade today, Ms. Shore.

But seriously, don’t you think it was about time you left that comfortable flat of yours and marched your own Pride parade?

Yours ostentatiously,

Another Gay Who Just Can’t Keep His Mouth Shut

p.s. Readers: don’t hate the Huffington Post. It’s a wonderful publication. To prove it, Joan Garry (one of my Huff-Po heroes) wrote this inspiring article just one day before that other lady wrote the article I just slighted above. And when you’re done, celebrate with my NYC Pride pic collection.

NYC Pride ‘08 photos are up!

Another Pride march come. Another Pride march gone. It’s been 38 years already and of those, I’ve shown up for about 10 or so. That’s a decade of marches. Holy sh*t. Anyway, what a blast yesterday with Lambda Legal! Cheers from the crowd stirred things up. I met George Takei (Sulu from Star Trek). The rain came and went several times. Cooled things down. But things were still HOT. My Flickr photos are up. Check em out. Once you’ve filled up on Pride, read my very own blitzkrieg.

This year’s poster designs are here.

with [pride] nyc

Trestle on Tenth: Cozy Neighborhood Eatery

Most New Yorkers might consider searching for the perfect patio akin to torture; some enjoy instant success while others find themselves lost in a vortex of avenues and side streets, dangerously close to starvation before they finally stumble upon a sweet outdoor oasis.

Meanwhile, patios are like babies to the restaurants that have them; theirs is always the prettiest. Trestle on Tenth, the Swiss-influenced American nugget of rustic charm located at 24th and 10th Avenue, is no different. And the restaurant that takes its name from a close proximity to the High Line, isn’t one to lie. But New York’s extreme supply-and-demand dining environment makes it risky business to have “hearty” as a middle name, even if your patio is the most beautiful in town.

Every savvy diner knows that the words “hearty” and “summer” just don’t go together. Ralf Kuettel would disagree. As an alum of Union Square Café, he’s quite comfortable using ingredients that will make your mouth beg for more. But if you’re watching your figure - I mean, staring at it with a magnifying glass - you’re likely to run from this menu like a vampire before garlic. Born and trained in Switzerland, his menu carries strong French and German influence. His courtship with ingredients like butter, sour cream, bacon and cheese suggest some sort of familiar bond; they find their way into his recipes often. And he likes it that way. Don’t expect him to change, either; Kuettel is also the owner.

The small menu, Kuettel says, allows him to focus on small things (notwithstanding big flavor). Assuming you’ve come to bust a grub, the menu is sure to please. If you’ve dived headlong into the train wreck that is your current summer diet, you might find Trestle cuisine a pleasant distraction. Unfortunately, the tight quarters might make the food a bit difficult to swallow - even for one with a summer figure.

Still, the block of assorted Swiss cheeses and meats ($14), including soppressata, with the crepinette of pork shoulder with sautéed spinach ($12) - one of the most celebrated dishes in the restaurant - and the roasted pork loin with butter pecans and black trumpet mushrooms ($22) might give you reason to frequent Trestle, even on a hot summer night.

Arrive ready to drink. With a decent beer selection and strong supporting wine list the experience is bound to be a memorable one. Kuettel’s “free trade mentality” about wine might raise questions as to whether he can take credit for the list all on his own; Kuettel’s wife, Juliette Pope, is the wine director at Gramercy Tavern and most likely his cheat sheet.

Don’t let that fleeting diet deprive you of what might be a really cool neighborhood summer spot. While Trestle on Tenth may not be a destination, it’s a spot worth going to if you’re in the neighborhood.

Oh, and the patio is absolutely delicious.

Read my review on Edge

Overruled! Online Premiere

Click the image to watch the movie.

i work on the [web]!

This is fun. I just came across this neat little site today called “I work on the web.” Basically, a club slash networking community slash whatever you want to call it for people who work online. They’ve integrated Flickr so those interested in joining can upload their profile and add themselves to the site in minutes.

Pretty cool. I print-screened the image on the left. Click and you’ll go to my profile, although I might not be at the top of the list; each new arrival bumps the last…

Here’s the link to my “I work on the web” profile on Flickr. I can’t see why this site wouldn’t become a phenomenon in a few months.

I spilled about how I’m falling back on my masters thesis, though. ugh. gotta get my ass in gear.

strand annex [closing]

Horror of horrors. I just found out today that one of my favorite book shops is closing soon. The Strand bookstore’s Annex is closing up shop come end of summer. Too much construction downtown has pinched profits, apparently. I’ll miss it. I love being able to walk over a few blocks from Wall Street during my lunch break to get lost in the stacks for a while. They say there are about 15,000 square feet of books there. A pleasant distraction. And I’m about to cry.

A few books recently bought from Strand Annex: Andrew Holleran’s Chronicle of a Plague, Revisited: AIDS and its Aftermath; and Young Stalin by Simon Sebag Montefiore.

Yet, while one pasttime might be shriveling away in “everything must go” sales and weepy eyes behind the counter, I’ve discovered something new on the NET. Months ago, my friend Tej invited me to join Shelfari, a social networking community for bookworms. I finally joined this week. It’s pretty cool, actually. You can search for and add books to your shelf, add personal reviews, start virtual book groups, connect with others who read the same books and comment on their profiles. It’s more interesting than MySpace, anyway.

So it’s farewell Strand Annex and welcome Shelfari. On a good note, starting June 30 all books at the Annex will be 20% off. Now there’s a good incentive to trek downtown.

photo: That’s me balling my eyes out in front of Strand Annex.

Overruled! NYC Premiere

From the Lambda Legal Website:

In 1998, on a September night in Houston, police stormed into John Lawrence’s home and arrested him and Tyron Garner for violating Texas’ “homosexual conduct” law. “Overruled!” highlights their story and the courtroom drama behind Lawrence v. Texas – the case that led the U.S. Supreme Court to strike down all remaining state sodomy laws and launched a new era in the LGBT rights movement.

The celebration kicks off tonight with the New York City premiere and after party at W Hotel Union Square (more information below).

TODAY! Tuesday, June 24

Overruled! Screening and After Party

Screening at 6:15pm - Cantor Film Center (8th Street between Broadway and 5th)
After Party at 7:30pm - W Hotel Union Square
To RSVP, follow this link: http://www.lambdalegal.org/rsvp

Thursday, June 26th

Lawrence anniversary party @ Stonewall Inn (Christopher Street and 7th Avenue)
Open Skky Vodka Bar 9-11pm

Overruled! Online Premiere - LambdaLegal.org

Join us on June 26th for the online world premiere of “Overruled!” And find out how you can join many others as they host screenings across the country. Beat the rush. Order your advance copy of “Overruled!” today.